I feel like each pregnancy traumatizes me a little bit more. I try not to let it. I tell myself that I am going to cruise through this one and be totally fine this time.
But pregnancy, nursing, raising children, changes you.
This is my fifth HG pregnancy. Hyperemesis Gravidarum is when a woman has severe nausea and vomiting during pregnancy. There are different levels of severity of HG and I would definitely call this one another severe case. At my worst, without my meds and IVs, I don’t think I would have made it through. I am usually bedridden for about half the pregnancy and the nausea lasts the whole pregnancy. To say it doesn’t rock me to my very core, to my very soul and identity as a mother, would definitely not be the truth.
Motherhood: A Vocation of Self-Denial
When I was discerning my vocation in my early twenties, I wanted to choose the option that would lead me to great sanctity. I wanted to be sincere in my faith and was willing to do anything for God. I thought this meant I should probably choose religious life. However, when I visited communities, I just didn’t feel at home. I felt like God simply molded me to be a wife and mother, even though I didn’t quite trust that I could die to myself like a religious could.
Now I see I was wrong.
As I had to give up eating, drinking water, taking care of my children, and just had to literally lay in bed with my eyes closed and try not to throw up to keep enough fluids down for weeks at a time, for multiple pregnancies now, I have no doubt that God has given me sufficient opportunities for self-denial.
Motherhood: A Vocation of Patience
I always knew mothers needed to be patient. Potty-training, temper tantrums, possibly homeschooling. I knew it would be a challenge. But the patience I have found through my pregnancies has gone hand-in-hand with heroic perseverance.
Being patient for the weeks to pass. Being patient being OK with not feeling OK. Being patient with not accomplishing anything besides growing my baby.
Allowing the weeks to pass without really “doing” anything changes a person. We cling to our little accomplishments each day that tell us that we are “getting something done” or even have self-worth. But when we suddenly need to stop everything that we felt has given us meaning before, for the sake of someone else, we feel lost. And the only thing that we can do is wait. Until the season passes. Patiently.
Motherhood: A Vocation of Life
Any rational person might be thinking, “If your pregnancies are so hard, why have so many children?” Well, the answer to that is that not all my pregnancies were planned, certainly not this one. We practice NFP and my cycle just got really tricky all of a sudden. When I found out I was pregnant I bawled for probably two hours out of sheer terror. Every day after that I was so anxious, waiting for the symptoms to come on.
Yet, I feel so blessed.
I have always wanted a large family. I love each of my children so much and receive so much joy from being their mother. Now that I’m through the worst of my pregnancy with this little boy, I just can’t believe God has pulled me through so far again. Truly, all of my suffering has once again lead to life, which is the greatest, most profound mystery of Christianity. And I get to live it. Again.
Patrick
We decided to name our little boy Patrick. My husband is the one who decided on it, but I can’t get enough of thinking about it. I always pick out a theme for each baby and this one is green clovers.
Because we are lucky.
We are so lucky to have Patrick growing in me right now. We are lucky to have another child added to our family. We didn’t plan it because we knew it wasn’t prudent with my health issues, but God made it happen anyway. He planned him. And He knew that, if our family cooperated with His grace, that we would be given the strength to endure great sufferings for little Patrick–for the sake of our souls and for the hope that our whole family will be together for all eternity with Him.
So, yeah, I’ve been traumatized again. But the truth is, the Cross is traumatizing.
And that’s OK.
If you’d like to order something for our family off of our baby registry, you can check it out here. Thank you!!
